The Cup Nazi and the Code Word: Practicing Zen at 10 O'Clock Count

DAY 131 - Actual Entry-10/31/21 - SUN - Halloween -

Decent night sleep, HL Doses, worked on Law Library Researching the Berne Convention., if there is something there, I can't find it.

Might keep looking but not sure, not a high priority. Day off from kitchen gig, hopefully get some stuff done. Still sitting in library waiting for coffee to kick in. Wrote for awhile in the library, till the conversation turned to cigarettes, subs, pills and Amazon. The 10 o'clock count was called, and as J.K. and I were making our way out. The COs said, 'Count, Waiting you guys, to do your thing' something like that. One was the cup Nazi, then C.C. gave me shit as I approach my CubiCell. What I realized or it was reinforced was how this place is a constant exercise in Zen. Mustn't lose that and remain silent, and mindful. 'CEREAL.'

LUNCH/BRUNCH: As I like to think of it. H. Boiled eggs (1 reserve)

PANCAKES, Potatoes, MS

Worked on Barbell, more research, went outside, Read a little, too F-cold, back to research, didn't glean much. Nearing the 3 o'clock hour with some sense of accomplishment. Not alot. Probably write on The Man... later. Pretty pathetic halloween really, of course, haven't had a good one or even an interesting one in decades. Hopefully I can change that some day. I can feel myself on the edge of depression, walk back, back up, turn around, do something different.

SUPPER: Swedish Meatball (ie big clump of some kind of meat-like substance, noddles/GRAVY (tasteless & Mushy), green beans (Ate all) Bread went into reserve.

Another day almost down, can't come fast enough, we ROAR into Nov.

Four Years Later -

Holidays while incarcerated always come with a twinge of depression, no matter which one it is or who you are. Many inmates would be downright miserable and hole themselves up in their CubiCells. This was a bad one for me, even though it was only my second holiday inside. The Fourth of July in the SHU had been bad too, but in a different way. I was struggling with the "Old World vs. This World" psychological defense mechanism I had tried to invent to cope with it all. Some days—and some holidays—were better than others.

A couple of points on the Halloween flashback. The "Cup Nazi" was our new boss in the kitchen. He mostly just fucked with the inmates he didn’t like, and he acted like he didn't like anybody. He left me and J.K. alone most days, though. We had figured out exactly how many cups of water or juice (which was really just nasty Kool-Aid) we would need for each meal and had them all set up in advance to make the line move faster and more efficiently. The Cup Nazi didn’t like that. He dictated that we were only allowed to prep four cups ahead. Because of this, the line would back up while everyone’s food got cold on their trays. Occasionally, J.K. would find a way to go around this ridiculous rule, but if we got caught, we both paid the price.

Then there was the incident with C.C. giving me shit for being late for the "emergency" early count. This is where Zen comes in. Back in the "Old World," I had become fascinated with Zen philosophy and read up on mindfulness. It was explained to me with a simple story:

Imagine you’re grocery shopping. You walk into the cereal aisle and stand there trying to decide what brand or flavor to buy. Suddenly, a voice from behind barks, “GET YOUR FUCKING CART OUT OF MY WAY!” You quickly move your cart and let the person zoom by.

But now what? How can you decide on a cereal now? Will this disrupt your day? Can you even think of anything else to finish your shopping? Or will you quickly leave the store and think about this obnoxiously rude person all day and night? Why give them that power? They may have been dealing with something very serious in their own life, and you being in the way was just their snapping point.

So, when faced with a similar situation, I would use that as a code word to myself: "Cereal. Stay focused on the cereal." It was an ongoing joke and a reaffirming Zen statement that Heidi and I used to say to each other all the time. I found myself saying it a lot to myself in "This World" as well.

#halloween

#zen

#cereal