Day 23 - 7/15/21 - Thurs.
- mainemoviepirate
- Jul 15
- 6 min read
Pre-Entry Note:
Well, I’ve been putting this off, but because of how this entry begins, I need to explain something. One month before I self-surrendered, my younger and only brother, Mike, was killed in an accident. I’ll discuss this more after the entry.
Actual Journal Entry:
“Had my first Mike dream. While it was bizarre, the dream wasn’t what I was looking for. He didn’t say anything to me or say anything at all. In some ways, he wasn’t really in the dreams. This might make more sense later. Ever since right after he died, I have been trying to dream of him so he would talk to me, tell me something profound, tell me how he is, tell me something I could do for him, tell me… anything. This feeling was made more real the last time I saw Dad. He said, ‘I know we are never going to get Mike back, I just ask him, if he could, to find a way to communicate with me.’ Dad’s words made how I felt more legitimate: that Mike is going to tell me something, and I will listen and remember whatever he says. The dream was in two parts (like most dreams):
This one was on some farm—not his house or barn, but some other farm with big fields and lots of woods. It was a regular joint family function. I saw Mike walking around in the distance and started to go to him, and his wife or someone else stopped me and said, ‘You can’t, Doug, this is just an old home movie.’ It was like I was watching and living it at the same time.
Me, my Aunt Pinnie, and another female relative were riding around doing errands for Dad. While we knew who the female was in the dream, I cannot remember who it is now (for real). We stopped at a little cabin to get some firewood. While Pinnie and I loaded the wood, the unknown female went into the cabin. We finished the wood and I said, “Where is _____?” Pinnie said she was probably in there having sex with Mike. I said, “Mike is in there?” Pinnie said yes, and then said “I’ll go get her.” Pinnie came back out and said, “Let’s go, she is not coming with us. She said it was okay because they were having fake sex.” I said, “They shouldn’t be having any sex together.” Pinnie said, “I know.” We went and picked up a bunch of bottles for Dad (of course).
Very bizarre dreams. Hard to derive any meaning from them.
About the same amount of sleep, getting a little tired of this place and this room (seven days, today). Still writing a lot, but that’s because I’ve got nothing else to do. Exactly. Camp hopefully tomorrow. I just hope the writing ideas continue to flow there. The Man Who Loved to Die is a new story idea, kind of a fairy tale/comedy in a gallows humor kind of way. I hope to start and finish it today (Note: Didn’t happen, though I got a lot of it done). First Draft. I think I know why the time at H’s in Castine was so productive: because I wrote every morning before I did anything else. In that room, with no distractions, I kind of lost that when we moved to the house by the Pond, of course. I didn’t live there long either. That’s Old World; it seems really old now. Focus on this world. If I actually talk to anyone today—haven’t for a couple of days—I’ll ask if I’m leaving tomorrow. Got an answer: the CO ‘CF’ said, “I have no idea.”
BREAKFAST: Except for putting yesterday’s Bananas on the cereal, which was a welcome change, pretty standard.
I’ve been thinking of this standard line for anyone who asked me if I am remorseful. Which has happened a couple of times (one was ‘E’) and may be a challenge at the camp. Try to use one-liners when possible. Nobody wants to get into a big discussion about Copyright Law. No more than three sentences and NO RANTS! Some Ideas:
- No, because I am protesting and challenging the current copyright laws.
- So no regrets?
- For what I did, no. For how it affected and continues to haunt the people around me, yes.
- But you lost, you were convicted.
- I lost a battle, yes, but this is a war. And I am now a prisoner of that war. I will get out eventually, and the fight will continue with more battles.
- So you will do it again?
- Sell Orphan Works on DVD? No. But I will continue to test the boundaries and talk to anyone who will listen about Fair Use, Orphan Works, Implied License, and Copyright Reform. (This one is pushing it, length-wise. Maybe just say Copyright Reform.)
- Who are you at war with?
- Corporate Hollywood and the corrupt politicians/law enforcement that the Copyright Regime owns.
- What about the victims of your website?
- The actual restitution tells the whole story. Compare that amount (Less than 1%) to the amount the prosecution said I “stole.”
- The freedom of the Internet and Creativity is too important, and it was a fight that I am willing to give my personal freedom for.
Something like that. Sell your story. It will sell… eventually.
LUNCH: Slightly seasoned chicken, green beans, sweet potatoes, bread. Afterward, I was thinking I should have saved the bread and some chicken for a sandwich in case supper bites.
SUPPER: The same seasoned chicken, with nasty veggies thrown on top of it. Rice, black beans, creamed corn (Yum!) and two wraps. Glad I didn’t save a sandwich.
Doing a 3-2 workout, cleaned the pod a little, read TZ Companion, almost finished Null Story Arc. Started The Man Who Loved to Die. I feel like it is going to write itself. Just want to have some fun with it. Going to use the Public Domain Loki & Odin characters in the rough draft. That might change or not.”
Notes for Day 23 (Four Years Later)
A lot going on in this entry. This is the first time I dreamed about Mike. Four years later, I’m still dealing with his death. Maybe I will always struggle with it. The plan was for Mike to take me to self-surrender at Devens, because that’s the type of thing my brother did—always helping others. When I was in a coma for a month in 2014, H told me later on, Mike was there almost every day. When I asked him why he came there so often, he said because he couldn't deal with the possibility of never talking to me again. That statement was powerful to me.
Now, he is the one who is gone. And dreams were, and are, my only chance to talk to my brother again. The dreams, in any other scenario, would have been quite enjoyable. I love dreams, I love nightmares. But I did not enjoy these two dreams. Basically, Mike did not speak to me in them. So I’ll wait. I know it’s an unreasonable fantasy, but I’m okay with holding onto the hope until I leave this earth.
I’m sure I will talk about my brother in the future, and I don’t think I’ve dreamed of him since then.
The other major thing, though not nearly as important, was coming up with the ‘one-liners’ to explain my case. And this was before I started heavily researching copyright law cases. My stance really hasn’t changed from 2015 to now, 2025. I never claimed innocence; I claimed the illegality of what I was charged with and my fundamental beliefs. But I am not a lawyer, nor will I ever be one. However, I can learn the system, and that lesson had already started in the SHU and continues to this day.
I wish I had more on both these subjects, but I’m sure I will expand on both at a later date.
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